Claims to rival MPs' expenses

I’M thinking of being more creative with my expenses. The firm I work for allows me to claim for petrol used for business and for the occasional meal (with receipt) if work takes me out of the office for a long period. But that’s about it.

With all the row over MPs’ expenses, I now see that I have approached the subject from entirely the wrong angle.

Expenses are nothing to do with being REimbursed for money you have paid out during the execution of your duty but more to do with being ‘imbursed’ for money you have paid out during the execution of making your life as cushy as possible.

Then there is the notion that nothing is too trivial or fantastical to be included.

I have drawn up my next claim with these principles in mind.

I don’t have a moat that needs dredging but I do have a house that could do with a moat being built around it. After all, one needs to keep out the hoi polloi.

Then there is the cost of employing a groom to brush the unicorn and the little woman who warms my slippers before I slip them on of an evening.

The ferret needs a new toothbrush and I need a facelift.

This morning I spent £1 for a bag of wine gums in aid of the local children’s hospice. Does it seem a bit mean to claim that back on expenses? Who cares.

I have always thought a housekeeper would make my life as a working woman easier. I’ll be a little less tired at work so it’s to my employer’s advantage, surely.....

Yes, creativity is the answer. I must submit my expenses claim today.

Can’t wait to see what the answer will be.