The Ballad of Barry and Freda

Victoria Wood

I have been reading a biography of Victoria Wood who died much too early at the age of 62 in 2016. I'm not sure if she was at all well known outside of Britain but here she was a national treasure. 

For those of you unfamiliar with her, she was a comedian - but so much more than that. She was a brilliant comic writer, a composer, pianist and author. Just to give you a flavour of her genius, here's one of her songs, The Ballad of Barry and Freda. I include the lyrics below, just in case you want to sing along!

 

The Ballad of Barry and Freda (Let's Do It)

Freda and Barry sat one night

The sky was clear. The stars were bright

The wind was soft. The moon was up

Freda drained her cocoa cup

She licked her lips. She felt sublime

She switched off Gardeners' Question Time

Barry cringed in fear and dread

As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:

Let's do it!

Let's do it

Do it while the mood is right!

I'm feeling

Appealing

I've really got an appetite

I'm on fire

With desire

I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it

I can't do it

I don't believe in too much sex

This fashion

For passion

Turns us into nervous wrecks

No derision!

My decision

I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television

I can't do it

I can't do it tonight

So she said:

Let's do it!

Let's do it

Do it till our hearts go boom!

Go native

Creative

Living in the living room

This folly

Is jolly

Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it

I can't do it

Me 'eavy breathing days have gone

I'm older

Feel colder

It's other things that turn me on

I'm imploring:

I'm boring

Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring

I can't do it

I can't do it tonight

So she said:

Let's do it!

Let's do it

Have a crazy night of love!

I'll strip bare

I'll just wear

Stilettos and an oven glove

Don't starve a

Girl of a palaver

Dangle from the wardrobe in your Balaclava

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it

I can't do it

I know I'd only get it wrong

Don't angle

For me to dangle

Me arms 'ave never been that strong

Stop pouting

Stop shouting

You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting

I can't do it

I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!

Let's do it

Share a night of wild romance

Frenetic

Poetic!

This could be your last big chance

To quote Milton

To eat Stilton

To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it

I can't do it

I've got other little jobs on hand

Don't grouse

Around the house

I've got a busy evening planned

Stop nagging

I'm flagging

You know as well as I do that the pipes need lagging

I can't do it

I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!

Let's do it

While I'm really in the mood!

Three cheers!

It's years

Since I caught you even semi-nude

Get drastic

Gymnastic

Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it

I can't do it

I must refuse to get undressed

I feel silly

It's too chilly

To go without me thermal vest

Don't choose me

Don't use me

Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me

I can't do it

I can't do it tonight

Let's do it!

Let's do it!

I feel I absolutely must

I won't exempt you

Want to tempt you

Want to drive you mad with lust

No cautions

Just contortions!

Smear an avocado on me lower portions

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it

I can't do it

It's really not my cup of tea

I'm harassed

Embarrassed

I wish you hadn't picked on me

No barter

Non starter

Feel about as sensuous

As Jimmy Carter

I can't do it

I can't do it tonight!

Let's do it!

Let's do it!

I really want to run amok

Let's wiggle

Let's jiggle

Let's really make the rafters rock

Be mighty

Be flighty

Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!

Let's do it!

I really want to rant and rave

Let's go

Cause I know

Just how I want you to behave:

Not bleakly

Not meekly

Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly

Let's do it!

Let's do it tonight!

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