Around My Kitchen Table: The Best Interview Questions

I was having a bit of a declutter and came across a few notebooks from my time working on local newspapers. In one of them were notes of interviews for a new trainee reporter.

All these earnest young men and women trooped through our doors, clutching their cuttings and nervously answered our questions - or, is some cases, cockily answered our questions. We would make a choice and hope we had made the right selection.

Intelligence, writing ability, an inquiring mind, interviewing skill and network of contacts all helped but they were never the full story. You could still get lumbered with someone as pleasant to work with as a typhoid carrier. Unfortunately, rigorous though our interview procedure was, the candidates were never asked all the right questions. They should have been grilled on the following:

1. How often will you bring cake to work? What type of cake will it be? (Points added for chocolate and cream, deducted for plain.)

2. Do you have any unsocial habits? (Points deducted for crotch-scratching, nose-picking, farting and regular belching.)

3. Are you full of useless bits of information, like who won the FA Cup in 1992 or who sang Rhinestone Cowboy? It’s very important to be well-versed in trivia for random office conversations.

4. Can you listen to long and tedious stories from older colleagues without yawning or raising your eyes to heaven in that, “What’s the boring old fart on about now?” kind of a way? This would be important to me personally.

5. Similarly, can you simulate uproarious laughter when older colleagues tell what they perceive is a joke, even if it's as funny as having a bucket of cold custard thrown over you?

6. Do you know any celebrities about whom you can gossip? Exaggeration is perfectly acceptable, although there must be a glimmer of truth in the story.

7. Are you a smart arse? Smart arses who always think they are right are certainly not acceptable colleague material. There's only one person in this office who is always right - and you're talking to her.